Apathetic Rage Depression

Sorry, I really haven't been writing very much. I don't think I posted anything at all last month and then I felt guilty, because of the guilt: I posted one I was holding back so I could at least have something this month. That said; I've been in a funk.

A weird apathetic/rage/depression. I am not sure what you would call it. It started off with just being irritated at everything all the time. Those things that infuriate your obsessive compulsive tendencies but you can't yell at people about it because not everyone is anal retentive about these things.

Not just those but also other things that normally would just be a nuisance enraged me to the point I felt like droppin' plates [Insert Disturbed song here] just to hear something break so I could feel better.

I'm aware these things either can't be helped (like the cat), or they are some weird quirk of my own so I feel bad even bringing it up.

I'm guessing my lack of expression, or lack of ability to express the irritation led to the apathy. I am currently still in the (more or less) apathetic depression.

At first I just stayed in my room, balled up on my bed, buried under the covers with no motivation to get up and do anything. The cat draped across my head did not bother me, and when she started to purr, it did not soothe me. I just felt very motivated to do nothing but lay there.

I thought maybe if I forced myself up and to socialize I might feel better. They say that if you keep smiling and trying to be happy, eventually you will be. That, my friends, is a LIE. For the past several weeks I have been forcing myself out of bed and socializing with the housemates. I genuinely smile, laugh, and talk, but I still don't feel happy. I don't feel anything. HAHAHAHA-oh kind of thing happening.


Then when I did start feeling things again (which I do now but only just) it is brief moments of extreme sadness or bright flashes of anger. Mostly, I spend my time thinking. The moments of sadness generally come with the thinking. The flashes of anger when I am out in the common areas.

I constantly have an inner monologue going on because of the heightened awareness of EVERYTHING, that came with this strange state of existence.

So that's kind of my daily battle. Now don't get me wrong here, The house is not a filthy mess. I just notice every little thing that has any possibility of annoying me. Especially since I have a weird super power for it now. Oh. LISTEN PUNY NON-GINGERS! THE NEIGHBOR TO OUR LEFT PUT THE TOILET PAPER ON THE ROLL WRONG!


Snap awake from a restless sleep. THE CAT WILL PUT HER BUTT ON MY HEAD IN EXACTLY...3...2...1. catbutt. I'm not even sure whether to be grateful for the apathy most of the time or not. At least if I just feel "meh" I'm not, NOT happy, but I'm not angry or depressed either.

Time marches on.